Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.
I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.