Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.
If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.