Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies...I'm not really a lawyer.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.