Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.