Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1180

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."