Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1180
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.