Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1180
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.
You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'
And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?
George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... <br /> George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.
America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.