Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1181

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I thrive on imperfection.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I wanted to be a rock star.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.