Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1181
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.