Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220

I am at two with nature.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.