Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

You can't direct without a good crew.

"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.