Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...