Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
My final point about alchohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of your's what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemna on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my fucking life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em.
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
It was so important for me just to have my ex feel good in bed. The low point was when I started to sing, 'Here we go, orgasm! Here we go!' And then when it finally happened, running a victory lap - that was sad. And the high fives, wasn't that unnecessary?