Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!