Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.
Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.