Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it] I’d like that, yeah. Teenage girls with my face on their breasts. Is that what you want me to say? [...] I’d like it. Everyone would like it. I think everyone should be made to wear body-suits which are collages of my face.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.