Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.