Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225
It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I wish you'd say that to my face. Not because I'm offended, but because I'm lonely and could use the company.
Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.
I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”