Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225

I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

I wish you'd say that to my face. Not because I'm offended, but because I'm lonely and could use the company.

I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?