Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I'll never die. Been there done that.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!