Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."