Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?