Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.