Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231

18,873 quotes

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

If you ever apologize to a heckler again I will rape you.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.