Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Everyone, calm down. I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.