Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".