Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.