Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart... you might be a rednneck.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."