Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"