Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236
Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.