Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.
Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?