Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236

I'm competitive at everything.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".