Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.