Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?