Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I love comedians. They're my community.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.