Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I'm careful with money.

Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?