Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238
You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.
Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."