Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

If you ever apologize to a heckler again I will rape you.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.