Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.

You might be a redneck if you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Oh, I love stand-up.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I wish you'd say that to my face. Not because I'm offended, but because I'm lonely and could use the company.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'