Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.