Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
You might be a redneck if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.
When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.