Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.