Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."
Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.