Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.