Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”
My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.
If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.
As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. And they put Soy Milk in with my Moo-Cow fuck milk, and it doesn't belong there, because we all know there's no such thing as Soy milk 'cause there's no soy titty, is there?
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.