Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 125
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) "It's the same sex all the time.”
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.
Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.
I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.
I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.