Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 125

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Eating crappy food isn't a reward - it's a punishment.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.