Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 124

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, "Alright, let's go."

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

We were in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" "Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!

How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.

Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don’t care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says ‘Get Er Done’ and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That’s my thing. And, dare I say, it’s worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that’s due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe…

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.