Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 124

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Because the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

You see, I can’t, on account of my Arthritis.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.