Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1251

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

“No comment” is a comment.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

People that say "I'm really sensitive" rarely are.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.