Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 134
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.
I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.
"What the fuck why is the floor all sticky". Then the guy in front of me says "I just came".
Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.