Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 134
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
We spend $48 million in lottery tickets. You can’t trust us with out money. "How you planning for your retirement?" "Powerball."
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.
Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.
If I play my cards right, I could bring network wrestling back to TV. Unfortunately, to most people, wrestling is a laughingstock. But fortunately, I'm reaching people who otherwise wouldn't watch it.
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. And her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. "Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update."
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.