Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 133

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

Women look at my brother because he's hot, and they get upset. 'He's gay? What a waste!' I say, 'Hey, I'm not gay.' 'What a shame.'

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

I got the most expensive piece of paper on your wall that don't do shit. I'll tell you what I did with mine: I took it down, I shredded it, I stomped on it, and I shredded it to a nice, fine white powder and I snorted it like cocaine. I packaged the rest and sold it to some white girls.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

People who get offended by jokes are fucking stupid.

What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, at least in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about.

If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"

When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’