Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.
I don't do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took NyQuil five years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show!
Today when kids receive their confirmations you have to give them a contract that you're going to buy them a car. I wanted a bicycle, and as I got a little order I was told Santa Claus might bring me a bicycle. Then one year my father borrowed a bicycle at Christmas, put it under the tree and I rode it all that day. The next day it wasn't there. "Where's my bicycle?" My father said, "Somebody stole it." Then I'd see an other kid on the street, and he'd have a bike. What I didn't know was that all the fathers were doing the same thing - the were all using one bicycle.
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
He immigrated to America, moved us all to east L. A. where all the Mexicans treated us like crap; because they would say, and I quote, 'Eh, you're from farther.'
I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'