Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’

Tell your girlfriend or wife you love them everyday. Like I do!

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, "I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."

He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'

Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?

There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.

"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought "Brokeback Mountain" should have been called "Two Equestrians."

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.