Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.
There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.