Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”