Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 141
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'
I’m a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!