Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 141
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.
You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.
When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers.
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'
If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!