Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 141
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.
Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.