Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".
I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
One plus one equals three. When a man and woman marry they become one never two.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.