Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139

I don’t do drugs, though. Just weed.

Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!

Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."

New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you."

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.