Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.
Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!
You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."
Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.