Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.