Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142

I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

I wasn’t able to showcase myself to my satisfaction on television until I did one very important thing: I started treating television as though it were just another night at a club. I stopped ruminating continuously over my television set and thinking about its potential significance. This started with my last few shots with Johnny Carson when I realized why my spots hadn’t seemed as funny to me as my club sets. I realized that the extra thought and preparation actually worked against me. Once I adopted this new attitude, I started doing television spots that I was happy with. But let me stress that this was just my approach.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.

She stood in line and got cut. Tried out, got cut. Loved art but the budget got cut. Then she got numb then she only felt when she knelt and cut!

I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

What you see is what you get.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.