Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on the Flintstones!
My friends were getting married, buying houses, buying cars, and I wasn't doing anything. There was the point was I talk to myself to you, every screw up nature, look at what you've done with your life. But there was always something on the horizon, that was holding, maybe, you know, this will make you different.
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
If you are sitting here tonight or at home, and you're thinking, 'Hey, I'd like to get high with the dude that's been on TV all the time, outside of a comedy venue, like in a parking lot or a park of some sort.' Then that is an achievable goal. You can seriously make that shit happen. All you need is two things: to ask me and have weed.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."
The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.