Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152
I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."
Immigrants have been coming here for a long time. The Americans that are afraid of others coming were immigrants once themselves, so they have a lot of nerve. We have a lot of nerve as a country. The only people that should have xenophobia are Native Americans. Everyone else should shut up.
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.