Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?

You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

So in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family.