Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 153
Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear.
I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids.
Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
The weatherman gets to curse in Chicago - it's license, it's a law, I'm serious. 'What's the five day outlook? Holy shit. It's cold as fuck out, that's what it is.' And there's a picture of a snowman with his middle finger up.
Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.