Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 151
Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
When I got older I said, "Pa, I want an automobile." He said, "What do you want an automobile for, when you have the subway. Five cents - the open the door for you, you sit down. Then when you get to the station they open the door and you get out. In a $700 auto who's going to open the door for you?" You couldn't argue - they were never stuck for an answer.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.
So I was watching all the Katrina coverage and I got really angry at... Christians who didn't pray hard enough... It's their fucking fault. First off, they needed to pray against the people that were praying for Katrina to hit, because New Orleans is a den of sin and iniquity; an area where gay people dance! But now they have to pray double, and if they had just put that little effort up front, we could've avoided all of this. I think it's time we take a lesson from history, and return to human sacrifice.
I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' - isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and shit. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.
The biggest scam I fell for was college. It got me. 'Cause I swear, in high school I was up $40; now I'm down $60,000. All my friends, 'Hey Nore, what was your major?' Bankruptcy, motherfucker.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.