Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time. And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' - isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and shit. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper's stuck.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.

My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.