Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."

My show is an adult comedy show, but it isn’t offensive. Your kids could listen to it, even though I hope they wouldn’t ‘get’ most of it. But I get a lot of fan mail from soccer moms saying ‘I love having your CD because I can listen to it with my kids in the car.’

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear.

Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper's stuck.

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...

I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.