Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 159
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!
Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
That was part of the whole original concept. We were thinking, it's off-season, let's do a really fun, local-oriented event, raise money for good causes and bring some music to the valley.