Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."
There's no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even takes into consideration "The Man Show". What the fuck is "The Man Show" audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you don't connect.
What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."
India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
My wife at times will say I'm stubborn, selfish, insensitive, vague, deaf at times, blah, blah, blah... but she's never said I was boring!
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.