Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178

18,873 quotes

A lot of these kids have no fathers, and they want to be gangsters. They don't believe in God and have no faith in anything but their own instincts. Boxing provides a way for them to express themselves in a positive way, and I'm happy to be able to help them.

I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, at least in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about.

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?