Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."
I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.
Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up tha rotation.
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."
This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."
You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"