Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
President Obama. He is the man. I’ve tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"