Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179
How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."
There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?
I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.
When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dick’s in the Witness Protection Program. “Dick? I don’t know nobody named Dick.”
If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.