Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179
I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.
Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week.
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer.