Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 186
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.