Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 186
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.
There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.
They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."
I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.