Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
My family is number one in my life. I'll blow off writing or just about anything to make sure I take my son to preschool or watch him at his swimming lesson.