Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191

All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

I think most politicians are bisexual than bipartisan.

Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.

I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."

I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

My family is number one in my life. I'll blow off writing or just about anything to make sure I take my son to preschool or watch him at his swimming lesson.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

I'm happy with how the day has gone and we've made positive steps forward each time I've gone out. My lap times have also been good and consistent from the outset, so it's good to be on the pace and feeling back at full health and fitness to really "ride" the bike.

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.