Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.