Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200

Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage!" Never got a dinner!

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

So I go back, reluctantly, down a murky hallway to what looks like a Dollar Store dressing room, and I open up the dirty curtain. There's a velvet Elvis on the wall with the eyes cut out - some weird sort of quality assurance program they're running in there. They got a dirty recliner they pulled off the street with duct tape on it - God knows what else. They got a bloody pipe on the floor. It's like a third world game of Clue.

I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.