Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.