Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 208

Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

I'm the Hippopotamus, my lyrics are bottomless!

Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."

"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

My girlfriend likes to play doctor, so I make her say "Ahhhh" then charge her $700.

You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor's suit, because I'd be riding the streetcar to school everyday - minding my own business, humming out a 'Frere Jacques' - and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy.

What's happening is there's a warm front of Mexicans that are humping their way north to the point where you'll be up in Canada one of these years, walking around, you'll be like: 'Hey look, Eskimos! They came down.' Those aren't Eskimos - they're Meximos: Mexicans in parkas, trying to have sex with Canadian women.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.

Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.