Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 220
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
Sometimes I can do a pretty clean show, since I perform at churches all the time. And sometimes I might use a "damn" or "shit" that comes out. But there's nothing that's vulgar or disrespectful. It's all good and it's all still funny, though. And I don't care what color the crowd is - black, white, Asian, whoever. It don't matter. Funny's funny and I'm gonna get them to laugh.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."