Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 221
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
This family was raised Catholic and I think there are still some members of the family who are practising Catholics, while others are recovering Catholics! That, to me, is a real part of America and we wanted to represent that.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.