Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.

The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.

When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.

50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"

Women don’t have dicks and they don’t want dicks. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don’t want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can’t put stuff in.

I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.