Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 26
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up quick! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like... FIRE! Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.
Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.
When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.
I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into "gay shape". Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.
We don't want to drink and drive... But there's no other way to get the fucking car back to the house! How are we supposed to get fucking home?
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."