Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 25

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

Sit back there and say my hair ain't luxurious, when you know it is, bitch!

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!

Look, it's some cunt coming out of that cunt's cunt.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.