Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 27
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
We don't want to drink and drive... But there's no other way to get the fucking car back to the house! How are we supposed to get fucking home?
Instead my life has been like being mashed and mashed through a wine press until finally there will be nothing left but the desire to live by divine will, knowing what I'm really supposed to do and doing it.
It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?
Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.