Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261

It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.