Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.

Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"

Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.

This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?