Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 273
I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. "I was here dammit!" Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. "Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened."
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?