Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.