Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 274
You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'
Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.
The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?
One reason to keep going is that the country was given to us as a sacred charge. It is, as Stephen Vincent Benet says in 'the Devil and Daniel Webster,' not the only place that created free men - but its a place that demands that we decide what to do with out freedom. You can only punish yourself, That's the existential view. I don't think there's any reward beyond participating, beyond being here. And the antithesis of reward is punishment, and the only punishment that can come is self-inflicted. I remain optimistic. Whether or not the optimism is justified, I don't know. I want to stay around for the third act.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?