Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'