Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging.
You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs or the side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I would eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese. Okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigars the size of Cincinnati in the nonsmoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I might suddenly feel the need to. Okay, pal?
Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.
If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?
I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!