Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"

King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.

I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"

I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.