Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285
I feel right at home on this roast with you guys. It's like being in the ghetto... because in the ghetto you get stabbed in the back by total strangers too!
My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'
There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it’s like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That’s what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.
The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.