Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now!"
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.
I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.