Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'