Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299
If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.
Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.
My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
When you first start dating somebody everything they do for you is adorable… “Oh look he gave me a coupon for a hug! Isn’t that sweet!”<br /> When you are married that shit goes out the windows. There’s no homemade gifts in marriage. “Man, it is my birthday. Where is my stuff?... I want some jewelry. Every kiss begins with K jackass!”
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.
They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.