Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?
My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.