Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, that's it! End of fucking list!