Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307

If you ask your congressman why, he'll say Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie. You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!

I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

I'm gonna put five of these where you sneeze.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.